Funny where life takes you

As a migraine suffer, the holidays are never easy; temptation surrounds you everywhere you go...great food, smells from candles to food baking, loud parties and you never know which one is going to do you in for the day.  For me this Christmas Eve, it was the combination of noise and smells...going to someones house that you can't control the cigarettes and candles, it was bad.

But in my world, you somehow have to go on, I still have a husband and teenagers and they need me and I made it through Christmas.  I have a wonderful family who supports me and leaves events before they are ready, the help where it should be my job and they pump me full of meds!  I am so fortunate, even though sometimes I forget how wonderful they are to me.

Christmas day went well, I slept most of the day away.  But then the dreaded visit came...had to go visit a family member who is making life miserable for all of my family and I really didn't want to go, but I did.  The beginning of the visit was good and then the bad subject came up and for once in my life I screamed at that family member, he's old, I shouldn't have screamed.  I should have come up with a better way to get my point across, but I didn't.  You know the sad part is that he probably has made the situation all about him because everything is always about him, but what I yelled about had nothing to do with him.

I love the Lord with all my heart and soul and I had to ask forgiveness, what I thought in my head that night was sin.  I was so angry and I still am angry...I need to give it all to the Lord and just let it go and give it all to him.

Migraine...stress...head has been really bad since that incident....I am now over 300 miles away from that person and I still am stressing.  Food is bad, I don't want to eat because I am fearful of everything I put in my mouth right now.  I want to cry, I can't cry anymore or it's going to make my head worse.

So, on the day of Christs birth, I yelled at the old man...how horrible am I?  I am so sad, I know I am depressed right now, angry, frustrated...oh well!

Today I spent most of the day playing on Facebook and doing paperwork.  I wish the paperwork was done, why can't I ever seem to find the bottom of the pile?  Does anyone ever find the bottom of the pile?

Need to get back to work, I just was thinking about how everything I do revolves around my head and how sad that makes me.

I Will Walk By Faith

It has been a long two weeks since I saw the doctor, he took me off all my meds for migraines.  Wow, never saw that one coming.  So it's been about two weeks since I went off all the meds and this is day three of my migraine, I am so upset.  My head is killing me and worse yet, I am now depending on my family almost 85% to help take care of me.  I HATE this, I have head pain and I am angry.

Why does my head have to hurt?  I don't understand what I've done in my life to have this pain.  Ok, thanks for listening to me complain, now moving on, I can't feel sorry for myself for too long.

So, I have to walk by faith...I believe fully that my God, Jehovah, Almight God, the healer, the Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace is going to heal me fully.  Now that time may not arrive until I enter heaven, but I know there I will have a new body and have no more pain.  So I cling to the promise of the healing only God can give.

That doesn't mean that I don't get upset, I don't get frustrated because I do and sometimes it's ugly and I feel sorry for myself.  I really feel sorry for my family because I can't be the wife/mom I am called to be, they carry way to much because of my pain.

Oh well, my head is really hurting tonight, i've spent 99% of the day in bed and I need to go to sleep.  Praying for healing and for all the others out there in the same boat as I am in today.

Abba Father, help us (migraine suffers) to deal with our pain, find the right doctors, find the proper medications and help each of us through our days and nights.  Father, help our familys that love us and need us to be whole.  And Lord, please help those who are doing research, help them find a link, a cure, something.  Thank you Lord, I love you...your daughter...

Tomorrow - Doctor Day

I'm heading the the neurologist tomorrow, what fun!  The last treatment of Botox hardly worked, but it the past it did.  I can not afford to get it done again this year, it's as simple as we don't have enough money in the health care spending account and I don't have 750.00 laying around!  It's a very frustrating road I am going down.

But I always come back to God has a reason for the pain.  I am going to learn something from this time.  And I have learned a lot already.

1.  I have a wonderful family that will stand behind me, in front of me and they will take care of me.
2.  I have to ask for help and it is ok.
3.  I have to say "no" to things I would of always said "yes" to in the past.
4.  Sometimes I let my family down and they still love me.

I have learned a lot of other things too, you really find out who your real friends are when your sick all the time.

Jeremiah 17:14
Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed;
save me, and I shall be saved,
for you are my praise.

One day, either here or in heaven I WILL BE HEALED.

Chronic pain...what does that mean to you?

Once upon a time, I was raised with a father that had chronic pain issues, how did I know he was in pain?  Facial expressions, face turning from white to red to white again, gripping one part of his body, leaving family events and the list goes on and on and on...

What does that have to do with me as an adult?  Well, my father has taught me to live with my chronic pain without trying to annoy everyone around me.  He has taught me that just because I am in pain, I don't need to ruin events with whining.  Sometimes you have to take pain meds when you don't really want to because they make you feel like crap.  So you take the meds so you can be there for your family.

I am so sorry that my dad has been in pain for so long now, I wish I could take that pain away.  The funny thing is I know he wishes he could take my pain away.  I hear it in his voice, the need to fix me and he can't.  But he is so supportive of me and he doesn't ever complain when I can't be around,  he understands.  I am so thankful for the wonderful Daddy I have and I am so glad he taught me to be strong during the season of my life.

My Life God gave me!

Where would I be without my relationship with God? I love the Lord with all my heart, soul and with all my strength. But I must be honest, somedays I have a lot of questions for the God I love. You see, I am a chronic headache and migraine suffer, my pain rarely goes away. I wonder often "why me?", but then the answer is "why not you?".

Jesus, my best friend, my God, my Savior, my Redemmer, the Rock of my Salvation...I could go on and on and on. I sometimes have pain in my head so bad that I wonder what heaven is going to be like and will I be seeing heaven soon. When my head hurts so bad that heaven is on the brain it is the closest that I can think of the pain Jesus must of had when he carried all of my sin and the worlds sin to the cross.

I find myself waking up with hymns, praise music, camp music always going on in my head. Earlier today it was "Heaven is a wonderful place, filled with Glory and GRACE, I want to SEE MY Savior's face, Heaven is a wonderful place...let me tell you". The music is different everyday...I love music, but I don't play a instrument, I don't sing very well, but that doesn't matter because to God, my voice is beautiful. How glorious to think that my voice is lovely to God.

I wonder if everyone wakes up with a song? Do you?